🤼

dealing with jealous losers

Peer jealousy is the sting of envy you feel when someone you know - usually someone of similar age and status - gets something you want.

It coulud be a promotion, a new relationship, or even a shiny new gadget.

It’s natural to feel emotion, rooted in comparison and it hits even harder if you don’t feel the playing field is level.

Why does this matter here

If you develop a skill or a new way of working, or a pattern of behaviour that is different to your peers, this jealousy is guaranteed. And it’ll manifest in the following ways:

  • It’ll spark competition:
    • Jealousy can spark instant rivalry, and push people to compete with you, sometime productively, and sometimes destructively.
  • That will lead to tension and conflict:
    • Resentment can lead to gossip, passive aggressive comments, or outright arguments, fracturing group harmony putting you on the outer - or you may come under pressure if someone else leaves a group.
  • It can motivate others:
    • On the flip side, peers may turn into fierce competitors turning envy into action.
  • It can isolate you, or cause others to isolate themselves:
    • If someone feels left behind or overshadowed, they might withdraw, and break off relationships.

If you ever find yourself in the vector of this sort of behaviour here are some coping strategies:

  1. To some extent, you can keep your progress confidential: Perhaps don’t show people what you’re doing, or share your test results. Just keep the information private.
  2. If they see it, deflect how you did it: Act embarrassed and play it down. Subtly validate their emotions without judgement as well. “I know it can feel tough when someone’s doing well; I’ve been there too.” Don’t go into too many details of how you did it.
  3. If possible share the spotlight: If you’ve developed a skill or achieved success, highlight others’ strengths or contributions. For example, publicly praise a peer’s work or involve them in your process to make them feel more valued.
  4. Frame the sacrifice and downsides: Share the struggles behind your success. Humanise the process to reduce the human advantage. Offer to help and train them. E.g., “It took me months of practice to get this right. You can do it too”.
  5. Encourage teamwork: Extend an invitation to teach your peers what you know and be generous with your time. This may take turn rivalry into cooperation, and together you could achieve even more.
  6. Stay humble and approachable: Don’t flaunt success. Listen to others and show genuine interest in others’ goals to prevent isolation or resentment.
  7. Remember who is top dog: if the person is controllably unreasonable, put them in their place. Show them you’re top dog and hammer them. Most dogs lay down.

And on the other hand…

If it’s you crying

  1. Own it: Admit it to yourself. You’re jealous.
  2. Figure out why: Ask yourself why you feel this way. Have you been true to yourself? Clarity will help you move forward.
  3. Pour it in the tank: Instead of sooking over it, pour it in the tank. If your peer’s success stings, level up your own goals.

BUT - and this is the biggest caution of all.

  1. Run your own race: The absolute worst thing you can do, is channel your energy into being 10% better. You’re goal is to be 10x better. Know where you are on your scale and be patient.
  2. Time and urgency will take you home: Don’t sweat the little stuff. Stack skills till you can do it for yourself.

#1 advice. Keep in your lane. Keep others out of your lane. And dont worry about the lane of others.

Peer jealousy is a universal.

Don’t let it be you’re boss. It’s a signal, not a sentance.

Much of what is ‘won’ doesn’t mean much.

Just keep in mind how it plays into your relationships and act accordingly ahead of time.

Remember - humans are important.

If in doubt - act a bit autistic to deflect the concern. Oblivion is a good technique.