I’m sure you’ve seen this before. It’s when an adult (parent, teacher or mentor) wants to offer a younger person real advice - and the recipient brushes it off, sidesteps it, or shuts it down.
Let’s break down what’s happening here.
Why does it happen:
There’s never a single factor and it’s a mix of things:
- Generational divide:
- Adults might not fully grasp the world or the problem you’re dealing with.
- It could be social media, modern pressures, or tech driven change.
- Their advice can feel like their from another planet.
- You may be yearning independence:
- Deflecting is a flex of autonomy.
- You’re saying, “I’ll handle this my way,” even if their point’s valid.
- It may be smart, or dumb - and that’s up for interpretation.
- Adults could jump to ‘fix it mode’:
- When the real thing needed might just be space or empathy.
- It feels like they’re handing you a spanner, when you didn’t ask for a repair.
- You may simply not even trust the adult:
- The adult giving you the advice may not have any clue what they’re talking about.
What is looks like from the young person
The pattern is pretty familiar:
- Dismissal: “I’m fine, don’t worry.” (Subtext: “Leave it alone.”)
- Redirection: “Yeah, but what about [something else]?” (Subtext: “Let’s pivot.”)
- Minimizing: “It’s not a big deal.” (Subtext: “Drop it.”)
- Silence: Eye rolls, grunts, or one-word replies. (Subtext: “Conversation over.”)
And it’s really frustrating for the adult when this happens if the adult actuall knows what they’re talking about.
But unlike all adults ever.
You may be right - and they may be wrong.
Flip it around.
Be the more intelligent one:
Instead of playing the deflection game - use it to get what you want in a 2 way negotiation.
Start with this:
- Hear them out:
- Let them talk.
- Let them fully explain their position.
- Ask questions to clarify what they’re saying.
- It’s important to recognising that LISTENING to someone does not mean you are agreeing. You want the other person to feel like they’ve heard you full and it’s all understood.
- Now the negotiation begins:
- Firstly acknolwedge all the element syou agree with.
- Let them know you “see their point point”
- Thank them for their concern. “Tell them Thank you for Checking in” - adults want this.
- Offer compromises. Call out the areas of agreement. Talk to their talking points and in their terms. But then be clear on where the challenge points are.
- In the next step - you want to frame the contention between what they are saying and what you want to do. And most crucially, explain why the incongruent position exists. Talk to Why you want to do something a certain way.
- Steer it your way:
- Tell them what you are willing to conceed, and what you are not - and stay in control.
- Dont threaten. Don’t respond to threats.
- If it gets heated shut it down. Tell them you want to end the discussion and you can talk later. Be clear, firm, respectful. You don’t need to escalate. They can try but it’s very difficult for adults to go beyond this point.
- If in doubt just cry or let them cry. Someone needs to cry in this situation.
On the flip side
- What if they’re actually right.
- You actually might have no idea what you’re doing as a young person.
- Lucky to be given free experience from someone that cares for you.
- Listen to them.
- If you dont know what you’re doing - just shutup and listen. Pride is expensive at times.
- People that don’t listen are often massive losers.
Some adults can be flat out dumb too.
They’ll start carrying on about “back in my day” rants or unsolicited solutions.
Just tell those clowns to sit down.